I have exclusively obtained a copy of Gordon Browns speech to the Labour conference, which I publish below. It is the copy sent from Gordons script team, but has yet to be signed off on by Peter Mandelson, so small changes may occur when delivered at the conference and Mandy's discretion.
Stage and personal directions for Gordon are marked in [brackets].
[walk to podium, smile]
[If standing ovation persists, throw both arms in the air and scream “YEAH, YEAH” like a rockstar would; if standing ovation does not persist look into camera with a serious look on your face]
I am here today as leader of our party and as Prime Minister to set out where I think we are and what we will do in this next year running up to the General Election. But before I do, I would like to take this opportunity to some new faces to my cabinet team.
Lilly Allen is immediately appointed as Youth Liaison Minister, who will speak Labours message to the youth’s of Briatin. Liilly will also help oversee the introduction of our new Broadband Tax initiatives which will put broadband in every house by 2015. Lilly has always been vocal on matters that are important to her and to young people and I believe she will make an excellent addition to the GOATs. [smile] Lilly will be ennobled today so that she can take her well earned place in the House of Lords. [pause for applause]
Joining Lilly is Sir Terry Wogan who is heading up a new government body I am today creating called the department for whimsy. [smile] Sir Terry is a beloved national figure and will be instrumental in helping create a real and dynamic dialogue with our country. People have been saying that Labour has forgotten middle England, [serious look] that is simply not true. [lick lips]. Sir Terry will be ennobled as of tonight and will begin his good work tomorrow morning. [pause for applause]. Terry’s opinions and insight on Europe will be sought in the meetings of the cabinet.
When I was a little boy I believe in two things, God, The Labour Party and courage. [pause for applause]
[Look serious] We have face great challenges together as a party and we have faced a number of challenges in government [pause] but we should be proud; indeed I am proud of the great strives we have made in making society fairer [pause for applause, smile]. This labour Government introduced the minimum wage [pause for applause, smile], this Labour Government has lifted 25 million children out of poverty [pause for applause], we are now printing wealth at an unprecedented rate not seen before [ pause for applause, look serious]. None of this would have happened under the dirty Tories.
I have always said that Education is our biggest priority, and ahead of our next election I have asked Ed Balls to build 30 new schools, every week for the next 4 years. [pause for applause]. Tories, [pause] Tories never build schools. [pause for applause]. It is real initiatives like this that you can take to the country and will help us secure a historic fourth term in office. [bob head].
Labours no. 1 priority in this last parliament has of course been the economy. Don’t forget, that the Tories opposed every initiative we took [look stern, don’t growl] Quantitative easing, [pause], nationalising our failed banks, borrowing for sustained investment and to keep the government running. My initiatives have saved 30 million jobs [pause, smile] British Jobs, for our British Workers. [pause for applause, wink at Sarah] The Tories would have cut the NHS to pay for more butlers, they would have cut teachers to pay for their lavish garden parties and would have cut police to keep billionaires in mansions. [pause for applause]. The Tory Party is the Party of the failed bankers, the Labour Party is the Party of those whose banks we saved by taking immediate action.
Our top priority is in the health service. I have always been very clear about that. [stern look] It has always been Labours top priority. [smile] Under this Labour Government there are millions of new doctors and nurses and hospitals. [pause for applause] In fact, we are the responsible government; investment has gone up every year under this Labour Government, but, we have also done away with the inefficiencies inflicted upon us from the previous Tory administration. [pause for applause] Creaking local hospitals and outdated GP practices are now routinely shut to make way for centralised super-hospitals. [pause for applause]… Labour invented super hospitals [pause for applause, point to random person in audience and smile]. Under a conservative government there would be no doctors and no nurses in NHS hospitals as they would sell the NHS to the highest American bidder! [pause for standing ovation].
I am also prepared to [serious look] announce today a number of initiatives [smile] that will show we are still the Party that cares for Britain. [smile]
After the official opening of Parliament by the Queen [pause for applause], I will introduce legislation to shorten winter. I have listened to people in their doorways and they tell me that they cannot afford heating bills, so I am going to take lead with socially responsible action and banish extended cold periods of weather. This will also ease the burden on our now outdated flu vaccination programme and allow more choice for parents looking at summer holidays. [hop twice]
The billions of pounds spent on the national ID card scheme will be utilised by Alan Johnson and will be put to use cataloguing the pets of this country onto one database. Every house and farm animal will be recorded. Pet owners and Farmers can either take a photo id card for their animals at £65 each, or thanks to phase 2 of the plan go straight to micro-chip monitoring at £20 each. It is only our forward-thinking that would allow this scheme to be possible; do you want to go back to the days when dogs roamed wildly on our streets like they did under the previous Tory governments?
This government has always believed that Climate change is the most serious concern facing the planet, and indeed the world today. I have already saved the world, financially,[grin] now I want to save it ecologically [smile, great joke!]. Along with President Obama, [pause for applause] with whom I speak frequently and at length at many international events [pause for ovation] we will together introduce legislation to allow greater powers to the UN and to the EU to punish offenders. Unthinking capitalists and global corporations can moan all they like, but we will take tough action against those who would seek climate change, and those who pretend and deny it does not exist. Former President Gore and former Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott meet together at before Copenhagen and will discuss ways to reintroduce polar bears to our towns and cities. [smile]. The Tories will no doubt oppose my plans [pause] that is typical of David Cameron, he wants you to think they have changed and that they care about you and the planet, but if he opposes my environmental schemes then you should all see him for what he truly is, [serious tone, stern look, check tie is straight] a mad man who is dangerous for the planet. I don’t think you want to go back to Tories bickering over Europe and struggling to introduce green legislation. [smile, wink, fingergun]
Harriet Harman [pause for applause, do not glare if she stands and bows!], Harriet Harman is leading the world in equality. We only have a few months left, but I have asked Harriet [smile] to champion new legislation through parliament that will guarantee equality in Britain. [smile] Harriet is leading the way in women’s rights [keep smiling], and is the right person to spearhead our positive legislative agenda [smile, wave to Harriet]. From next year it will be illegal for a man to have a job if a women is better suited to that role, and will ensure that boards of directors and that councils are equally balanced with the right kinds of people, whether it is merited or not. Because we seek justice for the oppressed where they see it, unlike the Tories and the Liberal Democrats who say and do nothing on these important matters [pause for applause].
[Loosen tie, unbutton top shirt button, look straight into camera] I look forward to leading this party into the next general election, as this is what I have wanted to do since I was a little boy. Yes, we will be underdogs, because of what the Tories are saying and doing, but if we really, really really, believe we can do it, then I can do it. [pause for applause] If not, we can introduce legislation to allow for a new voting system that is fairer to the struggling parties on the left of British Politics, who are marginalised by the bourgeoisie elite that still occupy the top ranks of the Tory party.
I believe in fairness [fairness, not fairies!] And in justice for the afflicted. I believe in courage. [Pause for applause] We will draw up a new contract with Britain, a partnership of purpose, one which all my predecessors failed to do, and one which will see the minorities and those who cannot succeed catapulted to the front of the queue, where their voices will not just be heard, but they will be heard the loudest. Only Gordon Brown and Labour can bring about such promises for change to Britain.
[smile, standing ovation, raise both arms and waive, keep smiling, point at audience, smile, walk to Sarah for cuddle, take arms down, waive and exit stage left]